Written by wedontgiveawhat
Friday, September 11th, 2009
I gotta say, I love y’all buggers. I don’t like you sukkaz, but I love y’all. I fux witchyall, nah for real. I do. You know why? You wanna know why???
Cuz y’all is cool. Dumb cool. Maad cool. Cooler than a polar bear’s toenails. Nah, not even. You know how cool y’all are? Cooler than Freddie Jackson sippin a milkshake in a snowstorm. Y’all is exactly that cool.
Y’all people cool. Cuz y’all too cool for folks. Y’all too cool for cornballs. Too cool for lames. Too cool for smiley faces. Too cool for softies and creampuffs. Winners, losers, it don’t matter. Cuz we keeps it thorough. And if you ain’t gully, you ain’t cool. So we don’t eff with certain folks. We don’t eff wit Seal. We don’t eff wit Lenny. We don’t eff wit Cuba Gooding Jr. and we don’t eff wit . And yes my friends, we do not eff wit Nick Cannon.
See the prevailing opinion seems to be that Nick Cannon is some kind of sucker or clown. The first word I always hear outta everybody mouf when the name Nick Cannon gets mentioned is “corny” or “cornball.” And the question I keep asking is, “Why?” What has Nicki boy ever done to merit such an automatic and dismissive response?
Nick been stackin bread since a kid. Nick been on some kid show or had some kid show, some of y’all even watched this dude when y’all had just got permission to dress yaself. Dude did some flicks, a couple hits here and there, and even starred in a couple. At some point dude started feeling himself, and made himself some theme music. Y’all called it an album, but he mostly sweatin himself from what I could tell. Jumped on a couple tracks with Busta, R. Kelly, Don Cartagena. I don’t what Nick Cannon could make an album about, I just pretty much knew I didn’t wanna hear it. But y’all and a couple hundred thousand of your bosses’ kids’ musta liked it or somethin, cuz somebody paid to listen to the kid feel himself.
So dude proceeds to produce a successful show on MTV, become TV Network Director for Nickelodeon, and even a few endorsement deals along the way. Now, keep in mind that Nick managed to trade in some corny a$$ checks in for about 40 million bones, all before the age of 30. Did I mention that on the road to the Cornball Championship, Nick managed to beat off Joy Bryant, Christina Milian, Kim Kardashian, and Selita Ebanks??
And you?? You call that man corny, right? Who’ve you dated again? Pardon me? Remember that time at the club when that girl let you buy her a drink because you told her she looked just like that model, that Victoria Secret chick, ummm……Selita Ebanks?? She laughed out loud when she heard that one, right? Even had to turn her head, she loved that isht you was spittin. It’s like you get that liquor in you and it just starts flo- Hey, how did that one work out for you? Did you ever end up getting that – ahh, I digress….Let’s just stay with the topic here…
See, Nick wasn’t done. See, while y’all were out saving em, Nick went out and saved himself. Believe that? Man who ain’t need savin went out and saved his damn self. And you know how he did it?? He took the initiative. Nicca peeped none other Miss Mariah Carey standin all alone at the prom. Brushed right past the Baddest Bi###es and the Boss Bi###es. Did the Carlton right through the snickering masses of gold-diggers, booty models and industry boppers. Escaped the no fly zone, tip-toeing past the Vivica Foxes, Lisa Rayes and Gabrielle Unions. Nick set his eyes on a prize, and noticed her standing all alone on the other side of the floor.
And you know what Nick did? He came up. See, he did something that y’all suckers just don’t do. See, y’all want chicks like Roxy Reynolds. Y’all want Deelishus. Y’all want Cubana Lust and Bria Myles and Esther Baxter. Nicki Minaj. I know. And you know what? I do too. That’s why I fux witchyall. But you know what? For a “corny” guy, this cat Nick Cannon sure has vision. Cuz Nick found a woman who was worth hundreds of millions worth more than he is, and he swooped on her, mesmerized her, and wifed her. Quickly. Was there a prenup? Of course. When it comes to cake, women don’t play that sukka4luv isht. But I think that it’s pretty safe to say that if there is a fallout, Nick is getting himself a golden parachute that would set up you, those leeches you call fam, and the next two generations of your baby mommas’ offspring.
So you know what? Keep calling that cat corny. I know. He ain’t shot nobody, and he ain’t shooting nobody no time soon. He ain’t do time. Ain’t even post up on nobody corner. But the way I see it, some of y’all folks need to slow up on that cool isht, maybe start gettin your corny up. Cuz if isht was so sweet that I was effin life like a bi### everyday, I’d probably end up goofy as hell my damn self. (more…)
